Before my second child was born, I had a great relationship with my first son. We spent many hours of quality time together, and communication was never an issue. I think that this is a common trend with first children; they receive a parent's undivided attention, energy, and love.
Somehow, I quite naively thought that things would carry on where they left off after I came back from the hospital with the new baby. The reality was that I arrived home as a sleep-deprived, postpartum, hormonal basket case, and communicating meaningfully with my eldest child was not a top priority.
My oldest son was going through adjustments too, and at first I was too wrapped up in the desire to sleep to give too much thought to his needs. Fortunately, the fairy godmother of "two-bit" mothers stepped in, and I began to notice the look of shock and hurt on my son's face. I began to try to spend more time with him, but I would always end up falling asleep, or his little brother would need one of the million and one things that newborns need. So, in addition to trying to just make it through another day, the picture of his hurt little face kept looming before me. I constantly worried and wondered what could be done to help him work through his feelings, while still being able to take advantage of that hour of sleep.
My answer came at a 3 a.m. feeding during one of those moments when the body is so fatigued that the line between reality and hallucination becomes blurred. Somehow, the idea to create a notebook with my son in which we could write messages to each other popped into my mind. Actually, it was an idea borrowed from Bronson Alcott, a famous educator and father of Louisa May Alcott, who encouraged his children to keep journals. He would read each day's entry and make comments on it. Alcott felt that this type of communication would foster openness and honesty.
If it was good enough for the Alcotts, it was good enough for me, and my son and I began in earnest with a few twists of our own. First of all, it wasn't going to be a journal really, more like a place to discuss our feelings and hash things out. Secondly, I didn't want to just comment on his entries, I wanted to use the notebook as an on-going discussion board. So, kind of making things up as we went along, we began what I hoped would be a healing process for the two of us.
How to Make Your Own Communication Notebook
There is no right or wrong way to make a communication notebook; creativity and love are the most important tools. The following are a few easy tips to get you going:
- Decide on what type of notebook you want to use. It can be anything from a simple spiral-type notebook to something fancier. My son and I went to the store and picked out the spiral notebook that he wanted, and it worked great. Use whatever you like.
- Spend time with your child and decorate the cover. Use markers, stickers, puff paint, glitter or whatever you choose. Remember, it should be fun.
- Decide on a special place to put the notebook. Every time you write in it, put it back in the same place. This makes the child feel like writing in the notebook is a special and mysterious secret that you share.
- Create a unique signal to let each other know that the notebook has been written in. We used the thumbs-up signal, but you can come up with your own. For example, when he walked by and gave me the thumbs-up, I knew that he had written something in the notebook. After I responded, I gave him the thumbs-up.
- Begin writing. It doesn't matter what you write or how you write. What matters is that now you have a unique and fun way to communicate. Our notebook was filled with jokes, movie ticket stubs, arguments, temper tantrums, loving words, and heartfelt emotion. Everything that we were feeling went into that notebook. Give it a try.
My oldest son is now sixteen, and unfortunately thinks that writing in the notebook is not as cool as it used to be. Even so, the notebook remains as a symbol of our struggles and joys, and he loves looking through it every now and then. For me, the notebook is a wonderful way to look back at his growth, to see how his handwriting changed, how he learned to talk about his feelings.
My youngest child is now old enough to benefit from his own communication notebook. I can't wait to get started.
Andrea Ruiz - I am a graduate of Boston University with a degree in International Relations. I was born and raised in the Boston area, and even though I ...
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